Technology Is Not For Assholes

by Ann Allen

Technology has become very affordable, sophisticated and stylish. It has also fallen into the hands of some very stupid people.

I am thinking, specifically, of cellular phones. Those friendly little chirping devices that we see everywhere. I know people that say "I just carry them in case of emergency." Yeah right. You seem to have an awful lot of emergencies since you appear to have "cell phone doo". For those of you that might not have noticed, "cell phone doo" is when the hair on one side of the head is matted, limp and generally lifeless. It is the wealthy cousin of "bed head".

I guess I sound a little testy. Perhaps I am jealous because I do not yet own one of these nifty gadgets. Perhaps I am green with envy - at least I have good hair. Perhaps I am just sick and tired of seeing a cell phone glued to heads in every imaginable place on earth.

No place is sacred from the intrusion of technology. A woman in the locker room at the gym. Buck naked - breasts swayin' in the breeze. Her cell phone rings and she damn near slaps herself in the face running to grab it. A man standing in line at the grocery store having a "deal closing" conversation with his broker. A couple out for a quiet night at the movies. Their cell phone rings and they don't have the decency to haul their lazy ass out of their seats to have the conversation. C'mon buddy - this isn't your house. Get a clue.

I wonder - who ARE these people? What makes them so damn important that they have to be "reachable" at any given moment of the day? If they are that important shouldn't they have servants doing their grocery shopping? Shouldn't they have private movie screenings with corporate executives? Shouldn't they have personal trainers? Shouldn't they be enshrined in a gold temple with scantilly clad slaves to fan them and leisurely feed them grapes?

I wonder when there will be a twelve step program for cell phone abusers. Imagine the meeting. A smoke filled room with confession after confession of cell phone addicts. How it ruined their lives. "Hi I'm Doofus and I'm a cell phone addict!" Rounds of "Hi Doofus." Suddenly a familiar "chirping" sound comes from the corner of the room and a sheepish soul quickly slinks from the room. The remaining people shake their heads in recognition and pity for this person who is obviously still very firmly in denial.

Okay maybe I've gone too far. I am sure that there are plenty of nice people that own cell phones. I happen to know some of them. If you don't fall into the category of a habitual cell phone user, don't suffer from "cell phone doo" consider yourself exempt from my criticism. But if you are one of the others - beware. Run, don't walk, to your nearest twelve step cell phone abusers group. Get help. Free yourself from the chains of your phone. While you are doing that I am off to read up on the latest models. I plan to use my cell phone just for emergencies...of course.

Ann Allen aspires to live a simple, creative lifestyle amidst the chaos of life with three children. Her work has appeared in Acorn Mush and The Mother is Me. Ann wears various hats on the web. She is the Cosmic Woman, the list owner of the Feminist Mothers at Home mailing list and the creator/editor of this playground.

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© Copyright 1997 - Ann Allen. All rights reserved.